Gone
by Roarrk
Summary: Jewel can't come to terms with the fact that she ruined it, ruined everything. Dread and regret eats away at her as it takes it's toll on her sanity. Dreams and desires change, and nothing stays the same forever. What happens when everything you've ever wanted or loved causes you to make a mistake you regret more than anything. Nothing comes without a price.
1. Chapter 1

**Something I dabbled around with. Reading back over it, Hspar's new story probably inspired this one, and I didn't realize how similar it was until I finished... heh, so credit goes to him, I guess.**

**This also is exactly like a certain part of "Lover's Respite", but I just really wanted to develop a deeper story about this.**

**(btw notice how the "In-Progress" message above?) :D**

**Enjoy:**

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Can you really blame me? In the final moment, a spark or some flame ignited and I reacted upon impulse or perhaps curiosity. Or maybe some deep desire that yearned for one glimpse of passion, of love.

Whatever you call it, I can't say it was out of me loving him, or even the infinitesimally small chance that it'd trigger something within him, which it did.

That is, however, beside the point. Truly in that moment I thought I was dead and maybe it was just me being the kind-hearted person that I am, but when Blu basically confessed to me, I kissed him.

Never would I have thought that it would bring forth my own salvation, or even satiate me, but it did ironically.

This goes without saying that I am eternally grateful to him, because I am. The sad part is as much as he loves me, and I know he does, we can never work together as a couple.

Tragically we are incompatible, call it what you will, I just don't love him. I really like his company, and I really like being around him… but the aspect of becoming lovers is beyond that.

My emotions for Blu are wholly platonic.

It's been a week since that life-threatening event and a week since Blu gained the ability to fly, and I swear he hasn't left my side for more than three hours to practice his flight skills. I really don't want to hurt him, and I haven't told him that I actually loved him, but this relationship just can't work.

I can't be weighed down by some goofy socially awkward love bird, and I don't name those characteristics in a negative light. On the contrary that's why I like most about him; His silly personality.

Yet it's just likeable, not loveable. Plus a cold-hearted bird like me could never deserve someone like him, for I'm a terrible person for even thinking about leaving him, let alone commit to it.

The only thing I truly desire in life is freedom, and that's something I can't even hope to achieve with a lover tying me down. I've got too much I want to do, and the simple act of living without a care in the world is something I treasure too much.

It's not just the fact that I want to be free, because that's a pretty hollow excuse. For I do know, that love is freedom in itself, and on top of that, if we ever did become a couple, we'd live free in the wild.

Oh no, I understand all that. It still won't work, however.

The most important part is the 'care' part. I don't want the hassle and responsibility of having children to watch over and feed, a mate to protect, and a stationary lifestyle. That's something I'd never want, because it would hamper me from just picking up and leaving and soaring in the sky and doing anything and everything that I want to do.

I do see the appeal, of having kids, however. It's just not me, it's now something I could ever be happy or satisfied with. I could never settle for that, because once I have kids, the focus is no longer on me.

My life ends. My meaning and existence become based around them, and I live a selfless life.

Call me selfish, but that's something I can't quite deal with. Not now and not in the foreseeable future. This past week has given me a lot to think about, and I've gone through all the possibilities in my head multiple times. There's no doubt in my mind that this is the only way it can be for me.

I'm still scared of making a mistake, though. I don't want to walk away from Blu, but I can't have him a part of my life. I do have feelings for him, but as a friend, and for that I deem myself a monster for giving him a taste of love. Even if it did save us both, it condemned him to forever desire and thirst for love.

The saddest part of it all is he thinks I love him back, but I don't have the heart to tell him. I don't even have the heart to tell him that I'm going to leave, and I would probably die on the spot if I ever faced him after tonight, because of the mere fact that I betrayed his feelings.

And that's never an easy thing to do to someone who had just saved your life.

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Tears welled up in my eyes as I watched him sleep. _He's so peaceful, you're a monster, Jewel._

A part of me filled with remorse as I turned away, but there was nothing to do or be said. This had to be done, and there was no other way. I could just simply not live the rest of my life with him.

Slowly, I crept out of the artificial hollow the humans placed us in. The red lights of the cameras that littered various corners of the fake jungle looked down at me condescendingly, contempt with the fact that I was committing a crime of love. It mattered not if the humans knew, for I cared not about them. It only shattered my heart to think of Blu's reaction, when he found me gone.

No matter how many times I tell myself this is the only way, I still feel at unease. I guess I'll never cleanse the guilt of this atrocious act, but it's something I couldn't help.

My escape was ironically the easy part. Each night for the past week I spent a couple of hours methodically bending the bars, little by little. Fortunately, the day my wing heals, I managed to create a gap wide enough to slip through, but just barely.

With much effort, I pushed down on the vent and wiggled through, losing a few feathers here and there. It took me a full two minutes but once I was on the other side, my victory was assured.

Taking a deep sigh of relief, I turned to walk down the ventilation shaft, but the worst possible thing that could only ever happen in my worst night mares came true.

"Jewel?" I heard a faint voice call out followed by a couple of flaps. Blu had awakened and he managed to fly his way up to the vent, landing on one of the bent bars.

"Jewel, what are you doing?" he asked curiously without a hint of suspicion. I just froze, and turned away guiltily.

"Why are you in there, Jewel?" He asked eyeing the contorted metal bars. The silence that ensued was probably deafening, yet I couldn't force any words out of my beak or formulate any excuses in my head. I could only stare at him with a hurt expression, one that screams 'I'm sorry' and hints at the fact that you did something wrong.

I didn't want it to be this way, I honestly didn't, but there was no turning back.

"Jewel? Wh- where are you going?" Blu asked, this time with building anxiety.

I just turned my back on him, my eyes started filling up with tears. I started shaking slightly and the only thing I could keep telling myself was:

_Damn it Jewel, you're a terrible person. You're a terrible person… Why? Why? Why?_

I keep bashing myself over and over in my head and it became too much to handle, I gave one last glancing look towards Blu and flew off down the shaft.

"Jewel!" Blu called after me, "Jewel!" he screamed.

I heard rustling and struggling against metal, and figured he was trying to slip through after me, yet I knew he couldn't. He was just slightly bigger than me, and it prevented him from even having a chance to get through.

When I managed to break free to the outside I immediately stopped myself and cried.

I cried unlike how I've ever cried before, and it felt like my heart died. I was a terrible bird, a truly terrible bird that didn't deserve the love of anyone ever again. The emotional pain became so intense that I couldn't stand it anymore, I had to pluck out a few feathers to cope.

Quickly I clamped down on a few chest feathers and yanked them out with all my strength. It stung pretty intensely, but it wasn't enough to calm my nerves. I needed something bigger. Regretfully, I reached down to a primary feather on my left-wing, Yanking at it with all of my might.

The feather, however, didn't budge at first and the explosive pain that erupted into me put a halt to my self-mutilation. The pain numbed my mind and I fell over for a second, writing in the unbearable pain.

_Well, _I thought finally when the pain died down enough for me to process my thoughts, _I have to leave the city…_

There was absolutely no way I was going to stay in Rio. The city would be a constant reminder of my murder and if I ever ran into _him_ again, I'd die on the spot.

I say murder, because I basically killed Blu with my betrayal. He'd never look at me the same way again. He'd never want to be with me. I destroyed his heart, and I didn't even deserve to be alive, let alone fulfill my dream of life-long freedom.

Needless to say, I cried the whole way into the jungle. Descending deeper and deeper into the darkness where I belonged.

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	2. Reflection

**I've put ages more effort into this compared to other things that I've written before. Hopefully it shows. Hope you guys enjoy, but this one is a bit on the intellectually appealing side.**

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Freedom is a staple luxury of the free thinking and the intellectual. The whole idea behind making one's own decisions and deciding upon one's own future merits a deeper thought process, for both insight and foresight become a requirement. Freedom of choice and expression require you to look ahead and predict what effects each decision you make will have, as well as reflect on past mistakes or victories to learn what exactly went right or even wrong.

The point, I guess I'm trying to make, is in order to decide your own future and live off your own decisions, you must be able to think for yourself and decide what is best. The reason I left Blu was because it was merely impossible. We had conflicting interests.

Blu being the nerd bird and domesticated, human-loving bird that he is could never thrive in the jungle. Likewise, a free, adventure-seeking bird like me could never be contained in a human's world, for I know how humans operate.

Their structured society limits and condemns free thought, restricts choices, and even strips away freedom. Everything happens in a certain way so it can remain going about things in an unnatural way. No human or bird or even animal can go against the grind, lest they be rejected as an outcast. Order in this society dissuades creativity or change. There is only right or wrong and it draws the line itself for you to decide which side you choose.

On top of that, contrary to popular belief, free-thinking, creative, complex, and conceptual productivity is hindered by the many incentive based staples and programs of the human world. For it is been proven time and time again that incentives, such as monetary rewards, pressure and force or rush creative thoughts hindering, and in a sense limiting, the potential of individuals. I need a place to thrive, and place to climb up and be free; To express myself to the fullest and to open new doorways in my life without the strict diligent guidance and systematic structure of a human's world.

No, such a place is not for me. The hectic life of consuming and ravaging around in an attempt to obtain more and more only leads to the diminishing of mentalities, simplifying of intellects, and the reverting to a more primal state. No matter how much humans advance, they only see to be backing up into savagery and greed, wanting and consuming more. It's like the more they freely invest, the more _it_ vies and demands. What exactly _it_ is, however, I'm truly unsure, but in a sense it's everything dealing with the dark demons of desire and greed that reside within humanity.

I really detest humans, if you couldn't tell, but enough of my rambling, this is about Blu. As much as I respected Blu, and had grown to like him as a friend, the connection just isn't there. There is no love that I hold within my heart for him. Perhaps an infatuation at times, but that's beside the point. Main thing to take away from this is that I just don't love him… not as much as he loves me.

That doesn't mean that can't change, for in the very short time that I knew him I grew rather attached, it's just that I don't want to get attached. We're two beings at opposite ends of the spectrum, two completely different people with polar opposite needs, wants, and desires. I can't be pushing him past his comfort level, begging him to fly into the jungle with me, and he can't be weighing me down, pestering me to visit his dear Linda every now and again.

It can't be like that, and I won't allow myself to grow attached to where it needs to be like that. It wouldn't last and the absolute last thing I want to do is break both mine and Blu's hearts, because it'd most definitely be me to do it. Blu is too nice to do something like reject me, and I couldn't hold him captive if I ever did hurt him or betray his love.

That goes without saying that I did already betray his love by flying out on him, but the way I look at it is that I never made a promise to begin with. I never told him I was going to stay with him, or that we'd try to be a couple after our big event.

Besides… That was the plan after all. He would go find Linda, which he did, and I'd return to the jungle… Which I did…

The only regretful part is that kiss. It captured something deep inside of Blu and cause him to get this fantasy of a perfect life with me, which is flattering and all, but sadly enough just not possible. I can't shake the fact that I hurt him, yet I can't say that it wasn't for the best, because it was. I just feel deeply sorry for him and in all honesty, I almost regret doing it.

Part of me hates the freedom loving part of me, and in turn the freedom loving part of me hates the strange regretful part of me. I can't put words to it, but it's been bothering me ever since I left him. I can't forget the way he screamed after me or the confused look in his eyes. I can't forget the amazing things we've been through as friends… and most of all why, oh damn it all, why can't I forget about that kiss?

It's forever going to be a scar on my life, this choice that I've made. Yet without all doubts it was definitely the only one thing that could have possibly happened. I say this for the best of us both, is what I'm trying to say in the end. This choice may have mutually hurt the both of us, perhaps him more, but there could be no other way.

For in this life, that of which we have but one, why would I be the demon to limit each other's purpose and value by chaining our lives together? We may have been chain-together birds… but…

That was a different time, a more hectic and fragile time. Why else would I have kissed him? There was truly nothing else for me to do in that moment and I wouldn't be caught dead leaving a loving, caring soul who had confessed out to die without recognition.

Truly in that crunch time, the time that I truly thought I was dead, I didn't care if I lived or died. It wasn't me that I was worrying about for in death my soul would be free to rest for all of eternity. No, my true fears turned to Blu. That's why I screamed out when he fell after me, how selfless and selfish of thing was that in the end? Truly?

I can't really wrap my mind on whether it was selfishness of selflessness, for the motive was truly unbeknownst to me. Did he jump out of the plane to soak up the last bit of my presence in this world for his own personal gain? Or did he jump out in a brazen proclamation that I actually meant something and that I could die with some honor and respect at the cost of his own life? Was I really worth that much and could I say that I would die with the same honor and respect if I were to meet my demise now?

Blu definitely deserves the best, that's for sure. He's such a good bird; the nerdy, caring ones usually are, after all. Why is that exactly? That the ones who seek affection and love but never achieve it make the best lovers? Such is a cruel fact of reality, and I was playing into realities' hand by rejecting and leaving Blu. Could that mean that fate truly transpires and works in sadistic means? Was this world really that cold and ruthless? And, most importantly, why was I allowing myself to go through with fate's cruel wishes and design?

The only thing I know now is the fact that I have myself. I truly have myself and myself all to me. My own freedom of expression, choice, and reason to be; my _purpose_ lies solely within and is for me to determine. What else could I want or ask for other than this?

You can't force love, for love is not like anything else. In a sense love is a force all on it's own. An invisible push that moves couples together in unison, and such a thing is something I could never deserve now, not after what I did to Blu.

But then, who was I to put my foot down and stop the force that is love? Who was I to do such a bold act with my own greedy, self-destructing choice?

Greed… Funny how I consider greed as a fundamental element to the human world, yet here I am pointing out the own greed and selfish desires I was pursuing at the expense of someone who had loved me. Am I becoming the very thing I despised and criticize? But leaving Blu was so justified because we were so incompatible, and why can't I stop thinking about him.

This pit in my stomach pulls me into one line of thinking, and in it's justification another reason to hate myself pops up and throws everything out of perspective. Could it be that I don't truly understand how I feel? What do I even feel like? Did I even ask myself this when I decisively left Blu?

What kind of bird have I become?

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**I don't even understand what I wrote down... Hehe... but I actually had the most fun writing this than anything else I've ever written before.**


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